Ey , I ’m Mista Real New Yawka from Da Big Apple , da braggart metropolis in da whole woild . I tawk like “ dis ” and rememba da safe old solar day when Ess - A - Bagel had da best beigel in da City and you ’d neva eva think about gettin dat inna tube from da wiseguys at Stawbucks .
I heah dese minor on da Innanet is tawkin about da emoticon pictchas my married woman always sends me on my Innanet Phone since one of dem tone like a beigel . I could n’t consider da asshole phone guys did n’t just cawl me , Mista Real New Yawka , Family Man and Bagel Expoit , to give dem my opinion . But Vinny and da guy cable at da VFW asked me my popular opinion so I ’m gon na severalise you what I cerebrate about da bagel drawins .
I just found out dat Google , da website wheah I find all da pictchas in my “ Not For Donna ” folda , made a beigel pictcha a theah own . It does n’t have dat tangible refulgency like da bagels I get at da Bagel Bonanza in Midwood , but I love da looka da seeds . It ’s got a really slurred schmea too but I do n’t like how yella it is . Whose nestling leave da cream cheese out ? I give dis one three outta five bollock creams .
Wat da fuk is dis . Who da hell drawed dis bull . I would neva eva eva eat dis pigeon shit bagel . It looks like dose “ bread bowl ” Donna and her friends eat afta canasta Thoisdays . You eva convey a bagel like dat into MY star sign and I ’ll remove you whea it hoits . I ’ll flip ya right into da Coney Island Creek . I ’ll tie ya to da caw and sweep up ya down toity - toid street . You do n’t wanna know what else I ’ll do . Wat ? Dis is from Twitta ? MY President , Donny “ New Yawk ’s Finest ” Trump ’s internet site ? Oh no … oh no … I ’m gon na want a minute …
Micrasoft , huh ? Dey make a dear computa . I still trifle costless cubicle on my Windas 98 every night to tranquillise my noives . But dey definitely do n’t know a bum ’s ass about a existent slicea New Yawk bagel . I coulda drawed dis one in Micrasoft Paint . It looks like da New Yawk Pavillion from da Woild ’s Faiah . Fuhgeddabout it ! I give dis one one-half a drive on Deno ’s Wonda Wheel .
Samsung ? Moah like Sam “ Couldn’t - tell - a - bagel - from - a - sinker . ” Who is deeze guy anyway . No schmeah . No radiancy . No seeds . Probably made by some gabbagools from New Joisey . I ’m not wastin my time on this loada CRAP . One folderol can full o Nathan ’s Hot Dog vomit on da fifth a July .
Donna says dis is da one alla da kids is gettin mad about from da company dat made her Innanet Phone . It looks like somethin I ’d buy at Costco . It looks like somethin I ’d grease one’s palms at Key Food . Dis is wat pass when a coupla guy rope descend in heah who ’d neva even set ft in MY CITY and make like dey know bagels . Its not MY NEW YAWK BAGEL . Have dey evah been to H+H ? Have dey evah been to Bagel Hole ? Bagel Dave ’s ? Donny ’s Bagel ’s ? Levi and Son ’s Bagelrama ? It ’s unworthy . I give dis one a chalk o da pitch-dark mayo from da Gowanus epithelial duct .
Aha ! front at dat schmeah ! Look at dat shine ! Da textsha ! Dat’sa what I ’m tawkin about sister ! How Sweet It Is ! Yea I wish well it had some seeds , but DATS da kinda bagel dat build you feel like yous is walkin heah , ladies and gentlemens . What ? ! Youse is tellin me dat make out from da same people who made da last beigel ? Dey changed it cuz da Kid got mad ? Wow . Dats civic meshing . I always tell da kids is da futah . I always say dat . Dis is da Empire State Buildin a Bagels . God Bless Joe DiMaggio . God Bless New Yawk .
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